Freitag, 21. November 2008

The language of business people

Last week I met a business mogul from the states, but after a while I had to realize that he doesn't speak my language. He is not speaking English! Later I found out that business people have their own language, called Tycoonese. For that reason, I was very happy, when I found the following helpful phrasebook in the web. Thanks to Mr. Vittachi who translated most of the common phrases that business people use into normal and comprehensible English.

Tycoonese: We have a small problem.
Translation: You have a huge problem.

Tycoonese: I want you to revise some paperwork.
Translation: I need you to set up a massive network of nominee companies to hide something.

Tycoonese: I want you to be flexible in your thinking.
Translation: Switch off your conscience and put it in the bin.

Tycoonese: You'll adjust to my style of working very quickly.
Translation: I own you.

Tycoonese: We always go by the book.
Translation: We have lawyers looking for loopholes on a full-time basis.

Tycoonese: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
Translation: We need to hide some mistakes and launder some money.

Tycoonese: I want to emphasise that we value ethics above everything.
Translation: I am talking rubbish to get it out of the way so that we move on to some rule-bending.

Tycoonese: What I prize most is our reputation.
Translation: What I prize most is not getting caught.

Tycoonese: As you know, our company name is a byword for being above reproach.
Translation: Amazingly, no one has caught us yet.

Tycoonese: I want you to feel you can say anything to me.
Translation: I want you to feel you can say anything to me as long as it is exactly what I want to hear.

Tycoonese: My staff are intensely loyal to me.
Translation: My staff are terrified of me.

Tycoonese: I have gone beyond the stage where making money is the key aim.
Translation: We both know I am talking rubbish, but you would be wise to nod anyway.

Tycoonese: Let's put on our marketing hats.
Translation: I need you to sell some toxic investments.

Tycoonese: I'd like your buy-in on this.
Translation: I need someone to blame if this goes belly-up and you have been chosen.

Tycoonese: You should have been more pro-active.
Translation: I have decided to blame you for my bad decisions.

Tycoonese: We are going to leverage our resources.
Translation: You will be doing the work of six from now on.

Tycoonese: I want you to interpret the financial model for me.
Translation: I can't use Excel.